Sunday, September 24, 2006

In a rut

I apologize in advance for the un-training related rant that I am about to throw down.

Ugh. I feel like I'm in a rut the size of a VW bus. I've just been feeling really down. I was planning to do a lot of cycling this weekend but I had absolutely no interest in it. And the weather ended up being quite nice. But still I slogged out 2 hours on the trainer instead. I think I'm still really bummed about the break-up. The older I get, the harder it is to let relationships go. The change of seasons is getting to me too. The unpredictability of the weather, the thought that winter is quickly approaching and I'll be staring at a wall for my workouts for months, another year older but still single and still in school. It's weird to see everyone's life around me moving so quickly. It's the shitty thing about the MD PhD program if you ask me. My entire medical school moved on. They are all doctors now, most of them married, making real money. Someday...

I think the San Fran thing is bothering me a bit too. You see, the last time I was there I was with my ex (not Brooks). We had a great time, checked out UCSF, a hospital we had both been eyeing for residency. And then a week later my life turned into the twilight zone. We had been best friends for 4 years, dating for 1.5. We knew everything about each other, spent every night together cooking dinner, drinking wine. Out of nowhere he broke up with me right when we returned from SF. Turns out he had been cheating on me the entire time we dated with at least 2 different women. On one hand, it made it much easier to get over him (I would have to be retarded to want him back), but on the other hand that experience left wounds that still haven't healed and I don't quite know when they will. It's so hard to really and completely trust someone after your best friend turns on you like that. He had been the one person in the world I trusted most.

So then my inability to trust people bombed my last relationship. It's not that I think people will cheat on me (I'm not the jealous type), I just have a really hard time trusting that I am not going to be hurt again. It's really a vicious cycle. I don't trust someone because I'm afraid of getting hurt, in turn I get hurt because they don't understand why I can't trust them... cycle repeats.

So now I'm going back to San Fran. The last place that I was when I thought all was right with the world. I'm staying in a hotel a block from where I was last time. At a meeting in the exact same convention center as last time. I'll probably duck out of the meeting to catch a movie at the same movie theater as last time. But I'm not the same person as last time. I don't want to be that person. I realize that I have grown so much since April. I am a stronger person. Believe it or not, I'm a happier person. I'm more in shape. I have dozens of new, wonderful friends. There is a mountain of acheivements I have my eyes set on for 2007. Professionally my life couldn't be better. I'm getting my PhD in February, and I'll be graduating with my name on more than 12 publications. I go back to medical school in July, which is my real passion. I have a real date when I will be able to move out of this city- May 2009.

So I guess my life really is moving forward even though I feel like I'm standing still. I'll climb my butt out of this rut soon and be back to my normal self. In a way, maybe this trip will be good for me. Give me some closure. Maybe I'll finally come out of the cocoon I've been in since April. I hope so.

Want to hear something I find really funny? My roommate Matt, who knows all about all the crap I've been through in my personal life (he works with the ex from hell) looked at me when I got home from work one day. He said: "Jodi, I was thinking about you a lot today and I came to a decision.... God hates you. What did you do to piss him off?"

I have no idea!

9 comments:

erichollins said...

"I'll probably duck out of the meeting to catch a movie at the same movie theater as last time"

Don't do this. It's OK to remember the past, but I don't think it's good to live in the past wanting things to be back like they were. I know it's not easy, because right now it would be very beneficial to follow my own advice, but I also know how hard it is to move on sometimes. I'm in a rut as well and I have been for awhile now. I know what I need to do, but I'm living in the past wanting something back that'll never be there again. Enough about me; I talk about what's bothering me too much and don't do much to fix it. I don't know you that well but keep something in mind. Because bad shit happens to someone does not mean that they are a bad person.

Good night.

Charlie said...

Clean it out and make it past, in a week your mantra is IRONMAN!

jonathan caron said...

when ever i feel down, i just try to put things in perspective. 2 years ago...i was going to the race meeting of the edmonton tri world cup, my friend was following me in a different car...it was going to be is first world cup ever....he got it by a truck and as been paralyse since then....

you will be in a great city SF,,,go have a blast and do some crazy stuff and dont look back!

as for trust...remeber that you will miss 100% of the shoot you dont take

Lauren said...

I agree with Eric Hollins... don't do the same things you did last time you were in SF. It's true that some things are similar to the last time you were there but some things aren't... just remember that although the trip (and that ex) held many memories, some memories deserve to be reminders on how you need to move on.

Yes, some people aren't trustworthy. Many, maybe. But being the 'walking wounded' may encourage others to see you as untrustworthy also; you'll never see their good side if you don't show yours. Sure, you may get hurt again. I can promise you that you will -- but probably not in the same way as before: you've learned. You are more mature, and you've seen more; plus you have these new perimeters on what you won't accept. (ie: cheating behaviors, other abuses)

SF for you is your new hurdle. It's currently symbolic of the end of a relationship, but it doesn't mean to be. SF wants to be a town of fun and "possibilities". My advice is to do almost nothing you did before, except for the meeting/conference. Don't go to the same restaurants (uless you have to), don't see a movie (go for a walk instead). Create a "new San Francisco" in your memories. Create a new San Francisco in your mind... one where you open to the wonders of the city, not live in the dark corners of your mind.

I don't subscribe to the gloom and doom of "Life sucks and then you die". I rather think of "Life is always a wonder, you should live"... sometimes the wonder hurts and sometimes the wonder is joyful. But it's always a wonder if you keep your eyes open and watch everything that you can watch. There's more [wonder] lurking than you think...

Have a great trip. Look at the streets, the architecture, the people, the shops. Learn at your conference. Take a train to the beach. Do anything... just LIVE.

(Just remember that someone who cheats [in a relationship] is far more angry at life than he seems. He doesn't have the balls to be honest. Just make the intent to seek out honest people ---and you'll find them.)

JenC said...

Buddy, I know it seems tough right now, but I also know that you are a strong woman who will persevere. I got dumped after 8 years of marriage at age 28. It took me many years to trust again and be ready for a healthy relationship. Now, I'm married to a wonderful man. I'm glad I took the time to heal though. You will be glad too. Good luck and let me know if I can help in any way!

Wes said...

Don't value yourself based on other people or what they think of you and/or how they treat you, young one. Do things because they are right for you. When they are right for someone else too, that's just a bonus. When two people are working together to build something greater than the individual parts, then trust becomes second nature to helping your partner achieve their goals. All those things you want are attainable, but its when we rush things that we make mistakes. I have to admit, looking at your life now, I'm a little bit jealous! You have so much going for you. You are so young, intelligent, and soon a doctor. The possibilities are endless.

Matt said...

Jodi, I'm glad I met you because you're great.

So 2009... That's when I become homeless...?

TriSaraTops said...

Blogger hates me. I just wrote a long, heartfelt comment and tried to post, and I get ERROR.

Damn.

Anyhoo--hang in there--we'll talk Saturday, we have LOTS in common here, chica....

And you can also meet my very cute, and very single bro Saturday as well! :) hee hee

IMmike said...

i went through a similar situation last summer (with an ex who was cheating) and it's not fun. In fact, it was easily the worst experience I have ever been through. I spent a lot of time and did a lot of work to move past my break-up (and i'm probably still working.) Like you, one cathartic event for me was triathlon and I succeeded in completing an ironman this summer. I think it probably did help.

One of the biggest realizations that I had about my situation was that it is "o.k." for relationships to end. Strangely enough I think that came from some cheesy meryl streep/uma thurman movie i saw on an airplane. Nonetheless, it really helped me because for a long time I wouldn't let myself accept that the end of my relationship was ok.