In a rut

I apologize in advance for the un-training related rant that I am about to throw down.

Ugh. I feel like I'm in a rut the size of a VW bus. I've just been feeling really down. I was planning to do a lot of cycling this weekend but I had absolutely no interest in it. And the weather ended up being quite nice. But still I slogged out 2 hours on the trainer instead. I think I'm still really bummed about the break-up. The older I get, the harder it is to let relationships go. The change of seasons is getting to me too. The unpredictability of the weather, the thought that winter is quickly approaching and I'll be staring at a wall for my workouts for months, another year older but still single and still in school. It's weird to see everyone's life around me moving so quickly. It's the shitty thing about the MD PhD program if you ask me. My entire medical school moved on. They are all doctors now, most of them married, making real money. Someday...

I think the San Fran thing is bothering me a bit too. You see, the last time I was there I was with my ex (not Brooks). We had a great time, checked out UCSF, a hospital we had both been eyeing for residency. And then a week later my life turned into the twilight zone. We had been best friends for 4 years, dating for 1.5. We knew everything about each other, spent every night together cooking dinner, drinking wine. Out of nowhere he broke up with me right when we returned from SF. Turns out he had been cheating on me the entire time we dated with at least 2 different women. On one hand, it made it much easier to get over him (I would have to be retarded to want him back), but on the other hand that experience left wounds that still haven't healed and I don't quite know when they will. It's so hard to really and completely trust someone after your best friend turns on you like that. He had been the one person in the world I trusted most.

So then my inability to trust people bombed my last relationship. It's not that I think people will cheat on me (I'm not the jealous type), I just have a really hard time trusting that I am not going to be hurt again. It's really a vicious cycle. I don't trust someone because I'm afraid of getting hurt, in turn I get hurt because they don't understand why I can't trust them... cycle repeats.

So now I'm going back to San Fran. The last place that I was when I thought all was right with the world. I'm staying in a hotel a block from where I was last time. At a meeting in the exact same convention center as last time. I'll probably duck out of the meeting to catch a movie at the same movie theater as last time. But I'm not the same person as last time. I don't want to be that person. I realize that I have grown so much since April. I am a stronger person. Believe it or not, I'm a happier person. I'm more in shape. I have dozens of new, wonderful friends. There is a mountain of acheivements I have my eyes set on for 2007. Professionally my life couldn't be better. I'm getting my PhD in February, and I'll be graduating with my name on more than 12 publications. I go back to medical school in July, which is my real passion. I have a real date when I will be able to move out of this city- May 2009.

So I guess my life really is moving forward even though I feel like I'm standing still. I'll climb my butt out of this rut soon and be back to my normal self. In a way, maybe this trip will be good for me. Give me some closure. Maybe I'll finally come out of the cocoon I've been in since April. I hope so.

Want to hear something I find really funny? My roommate Matt, who knows all about all the crap I've been through in my personal life (he works with the ex from hell) looked at me when I got home from work one day. He said: "Jodi, I was thinking about you a lot today and I came to a decision.... God hates you. What did you do to piss him off?"

I have no idea!