Friday, June 08, 2007

Lose weight FAST.... the Jodi way

I will take you through my step by step 90 minute weight loss plan with guaranteed results. All you need for my plan is a wetsuit, a pool, goggles, and a cap. Are you ready?

Get your wetsuit. This can't be a shortie wetsuit, or a sleeveless job. This has to be a full coverage, suitable for 56 degree water wetsuit. Now take said wetsuit to your normal masters practice where there is that extra lane at the end for people who just want to do their own thing. 50 meter long course is the preferred pool distance, but others will do.

When you get on deck, start the long process of donning your wetsuit. Take your time, you need this bugger to be on right. Additionally, we as triathletes should always be thinking about the happiness of others. Trust me, you will make a lot of people's day as you struggle to put on a full wetsuit in preparation for a swim in a swimming pool. Don't worry, the people pointing and laughing are just happy to see you. They do that every day.

The first part of this plan is a 500 warm-up. This may sound silly to you, as you will likely have built up a good steady stream of sweat by this point. Don't worry, it will get worse.

During the warm up, try stretch out that suit a little bit. When you finish this 500 you will have you last chance to move it into correct position for the main part of this weight loss plan. One thing that you will realize when you finish this 500 is that you are now quite warm. You jiggle your wetsuit around a bit tot try to get some fresh pool water in.

The next phase is a 3800 meter straight swim. Take a deep breath, and start the main phase.

You will think of a few things during the first 2000 meters. First of all, you will be impressed with the fact that you are actually continuing to get hotter and hotter with every 100 meters. Secondly, you will feel humbled by the bastards in the fast lane next to you that are keeping up with you while doing the breastroke. This feeling of resentment will be compounded by your intense jealousy of their speedos. The look so damn comfortable over there.

When you hit 2000 meters you come to a morbid realization. That thin layer of lubrication that separates you from your wetsuit is not longer pool water, is it? No, it's 100% sweat. You are now encapsulated in a rubber tomb of your own bodily secretions. You begin to wonder how safe this exercise really is.

Then you hit 3000 meters and are struck by an unmistakable sensation: thirst. You are quite sure that you will not survive the last 800 meters. The next 400 meters is spent intensely debating the risk/benefit of consuming pool water. When you hit 3400 meters you remember a thread from a couple months back on Slowtwitch where 90% of responders gleefully admitted to peeing in the pool during masters workouts. Your desire to drink magically disappears.

The last 400 meters is an all out sprint. It's a sprint to get this death capsule off of me. When you finally finish, you stop your watch (as triathletes we feel the intense desire to know how long everything takes us), and you call over one of your friends to help you get this damn thing off. He strips the wetsuit and you feel immediate relief. As you begin to swim your cooldown you are struck with the fear to end all fears

you are naked

It's not the- first day of spring I'm outside without my coat on I feel naked this is great- naked

no

It's the- sit up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night because you just dreamed that you went to school without your pants on- naked

Spend the first 50 meters of your cooldown continually grasping for your swimming suit. Even though it was there 10 seconds ago, you're pretty sure that it's not actually on. When your friend stripped off your wetsuit he MUST have taken your swim suit by accident. Keep checking until you are assured you're not naked. This might actually require a thorough inspection in the mirror after your cooldown.

As you finish your cooldown feel how thin you are. How you feel so free, so small, so at one with the water. Feel every single water molecule slide across your body.

Strut that new skinny, dehydrated body around the pool deck. You have graduated my weight loss class.

6 comments:

JenC said...

Sounds like you didn't need the Body Glide after all. : ) You should have seen poor Ben trying to get you to stop and drink some water.

From the slow lane, you looked smooth and comfortable. I don't know how you did it. Now, go drink some water! : ) BTW, did you weigh yourself after? If so, how much weight did you lose?

Wes said...

We can definitely tell the defense is over and the tapering has begun. She's BAAAACCCKK! :-) The wetsuit I rented said please to not wear it in the pool. So I didn't.

Karen said...

LOL that has started my Saturday well... very well written I like you comedy "I'm naked" moment. Had the same sensation when I was on a Tri camp and did half my swim session with wetsuit on then took it off for the second half... felt weird for liberating all the same!

DaisyDuc said...

Wow, that is one heck of a weightloss plan!!!

Too funny!

Kate said...

It's nice to have you back :-)

I can't imagine wearing my wetsuit in the pool. Hmm... You make me want to swim tonight!

erichollins said...

It's a very weird feeling swimming and still being covered in sweat. That happened the first couple of times that I swam.